Fat?

So I was checking the Explore pages on Vox today and I come across this featured Vox post. Of course, like any big girl, I do have my moments where it does bother me. But the most trouble I ever had with it was when I was 12 yo or so and my doctor had me on 6mp (cancer type drug) and prednisone (medical steriod). It was the first time I was truly debilitated by the drugs the doctors gave me. Before this, I was troubled by the disease. But the disease had side-effects I had learned to handle. I got used to the pain. When there's one huge pain, it's easier to handle and live through than when there are several small ones adorably referred to as side-effects. Before the doctors started treating me with those drugs, I even was enjoying some of the side-effects of being so damn sick. I remember the fair before I really started being treated, I wore size 3 shorts to the City Fair. Of course, I was also barely over 5 feet tall and 11 yo. On the drugs, I finally grew. And I got my period. But I also got fat.

I remember that it tore me apart. When you're sick but thin, life is a lot different than when you're sick and fat. If you're fat, suddenly your sickness is your fault. Because obviously, you're lazy and have bad habits, that's why you're fat and that's why you're sick. Certainly, if you took better care of yourself, then you would be thin and healthy. Therefore, your illness is your fault. That really cuts deep when it's the treating of the illness by the doctors, that were involved in the fattening process. It didn't help that it hit me in the wonderful 11-13 age group where a girl's life is hell. I remember griping about it until, finally, in the parking lot, my mother told me to stop lingering, to move on. It's true that even then, I took it so hard mainly because of the hell I was in. Not only were the drugs making me fat but I wasn't better. They replaced my usual illness (a pain I had learned to handle) with another that was fed by pills. I remember laughing the day I realized I was taking more pills than someone with HIV. Of course, that wouldn't be the first time. The fact that they were making me fat and causing more people to judge it all my fault on sight was just frosting on the cake. And I've gone through that more than once.

When you're thin and sick, teachers treat you so kindly. When you're fat and sick, the establishment isn't as sympathetic. And ironically, when I've been the biggest is when I was the suffering the most. But perhaps because, below it all, I knew my weight wasn't completely my fault, it made it easier for me to be ok with changes in my looks and to spend more time thinking about the things that were truly making me miserable and the things that were making me happy. Because it came at times where my life or my very sanity was at stake, I had to look inward to find happiness and figure out who I was. For that, I shall always be thankful. And for that, I find that I am more at peace with my body than most women half my size.

But there are moments where I find that I am not happy with my appearance. I'd like to lose weight. I'd be happy at 200lbs because I think I look rather good at that weight. I shall never be a small girl. I am 5'10" and I have 40HH breasts. And I will always be tall and big breasted. My height cannot be changed and my breasts are the first place I gain weight and the last place I lose it. So, a lot can be done for my figure by simply standing straight and wearing a good bra. Still, I'd like to lose some of the weight because I enjoy being active. I like doing fun things. I enjoy swimming and playing volleyball. I like camping and hiking. And I have a history of doing those things. Yet, I still have to explain to my doctor that I enjoy those things and have done those things. Sometimes, even he forgets that I didn't get to my size because I wasn't an active child. I suppose if even he that should know better doesn't, I can't really be surprised when society doesn't do any better.

Of course, I am terribly lucky to have friends and family that love me for who I am. As I think they are beautiful, no matter their size, they think the same of me. They make me so happy for who they are and I hope I do the same for them. I am only sad that other people cannot be the same way, that they are too busy worrying about their size, instead of their emotional healthiness or happiness.

Here's a very good vid to watch. I thought this woman was very beautiful and so it did lift my spirits when she said that she was a size 18/20. My size. If I look at her and think she's beautiful. Perhaps, I'm not just looking at myself wrongly to think I'm beautiful too.